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UNFORGOTTEN PAIN.

The sun sets and morning dawns for a new a day has behold. I want to feel the same for myself. For others in my position and similar experience. Hope that if i would deal with myself first. I would enlighten them on how to stand on their broken feet. The pain is so real. It gives me the thought of being performed surgery on without being induced with anesthesia. I don’t know how to face this in certainty. The uncertain part of voices of; he is still your blood, he wants the best for you, he carries your blessings and so many others that i have blocked myself from, are simply super ridiculous to me.

It’s part of a mistake. However we got all access to correct them. A correction he took for granted and lured me into a greater mental state. If you ask me for sure right now i got nothing exciting to ask about him or the thought of what he was like or he is. My chances i have exploited them. In-fact i tried being a daughter until he proved me to be a stranger to blood. He wouldn’t understand what i yearned for, what i asked for, what i wanted to experience. All he wanted was to be in a tag play of who between them would have me as a child. Yet the bigger hidden picture was that he lost me long ago.

I am outgrowing that stage of dire provision yet i feel like my basic needs have not been met in this tag. I am learning to stand on my feet knowing i have myself to deal with. Being a dad’s girl in the beginning is one thing i always feel the urge to reverse and completely change it. It’s a series of happiness and unending pain of denial. Denial of thoughts and reality of truth. If God would give me a chance of creating my own fatherĀ  rather than himself. I would ask direct questions. How did you expect me to deal with rejection? How did you expect me to fall in love with someone of similar gender, yet you denied me love? How do expect me to deal with heartbreak yet you have broken my heart the entire of my childhood? How do you expect me to raise my son and daughter? All this of which i would want direct answers without any emotional attachments to blind my consent to them answers.

If i were a judge i would want to judge you mercilessly. Make you feel the pain of being unjustly treated without any hearing. Your story would be of how you were convicted of what you knew nothing about. The interesting part would be that you just happened to be part of the watch bay.The unfairness of being simply a product.

For the help i called you for and declined. You made look like an urchin hopelessly waiting for a miracle. One day i will slap it back to you so that you embrace it. I will watch you because i will be already resistance to such spites you made me grow in. I will pray to God the father, to probably give you strength to face that phase. For He is the only strength that made me and mum step one step each day of unknown circumstances of the rising sun. This will be pretense of trying to save and be merciful to you like you being the best ‘dad.’ Should i call it equity, equal or similarity?

To those we share this principle. I don’t ask you to forgive. I personally haven’t. I ask you to walk through the journey trying to drop every molecule of that bitterness until we get to that place for healing. Let your mother’s strength and acceptance be your wall. Let your father’s denial and rejection be your breakthrough for greater purposes. For those who their fathers have been their sun of hope and strength; let that light shine through you and divert those rays to those who fell a miss of fatherly love. Lets not miss the key to be greater parents because of the line of unending dream we found ourselves in.

SAVE IT.

If i fall out, darkness falls in

Don’t die of grief, though it feels

As if you can, though you can

You will get through it

Darkness doesn’t make the city darker

Your heart will not break it will pump blood

Your chest will pain as if breaking

Sympathy from within will steal from you

Empathy will cripple you on your feet

Pain is a guarantor for period

Pay the loan let it free

Your grief eventually dims

If this day holds in my absence

Be wise, wake up, reminisce, cling there

Smile you not a traitor you human

You will need to continue with the journey

I dare you to feel happy in this world

I dare you to cry tears of joy not pain

Don’t miss me i want you to fill that space

My space which was only for me

I don’t wish you death but life in abundance

Give up your grief, start over once more

More when giving up grief

Grief another kind of death

But its just another

Rub it off, save yourself.

SILENT ICON.

I met her not long ago. She was talkative but her heart was silent. Friends we have become and share a bond with our hearts. We still learning one another for our soul to inter-win. We want to voice out words with emotions that won’t confuse us. Read the words with the right emotions to clarify our confusion. Now our hearts hang on the wall as we meditate. We sit silently waiting for the echo of our audience response. #orbitawaken.