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SELF – DISCOUNTING

To discovering who I am.

In a world which I live in each coming year I tend to keep up with the pace of being a social being. However, in many circumstances people have different opinions about me. On a scale of introverts and extroverts am perceived both on different levels of interactions. Is it what exactly I am? Before all these awkward terms of descriptions, I have always thought myself as a loud person when need to be and reserved as well. I can strike conversations deeply even with strangers when we have a common topic to differ upon.

People say that writing about yourself is the easiest thing you can ever do. Others see it as just saying who exactly you are. Honest truth, for me it is the hardest. I feel I got a lot to say for you to completely understand who I am. I got the feeling that what I will leave out is the real deal. Most often I am overwhelmed by the thought of being me. Many days I choose to verbally describe me but then I talk too much given the chance. There are days when I used to listen to what people would say of me, when I would research on character traits of the same name to compare myself, when I would use the internet to describe me. You know until now that has never given me satisfaction. I am still trying to figure out who I am. To ask you a question not to answer; when did you know who exactly you are? How did you know this is the real you? Do you ever doubt yourself currently? The answers you decide to give, hope your sub conscience self will not find it biased.

To discovering who I am is a puzzle I am yet to complete. Culturally in Africa, transition in to growth is a journey you take alone. I might not be precisely correct but even in shared talks some of us do not sincerely open up. We all tend to filter information and in most occasions we feel safe. In this case, mainly topics of discussions on depression, anxiety, and random thoughts of anger, revenge, ambitions and limits are not key and have very few willing audiences. I know, me telling you about my self-success, healing, surviving journey is interesting and in doing so I will be a hero in the mist of that life circumstance.

Do you ever question yourself as a speaker or a mentor? Can you let your friend to just come and let it all about how they feel without you being judgmental? Trust me to be my friend you need to have an extra first hour, for me to speak out my thoughts on some weird days before our actual conversation. Badly enough I may make you feel that your opinion at the moment is an interruption or it’s not helping. In this situation do you stop being my friend? Most of friends would give up on me and say am too much of a whiner. Maybe, one will give me a day we revisit my whining statements either way.

In something that you believe in I find it sometimes hard to comprehend in difference of opinion. To my sincere friends out there it is always a joy to have that conversation with you even when sometimes it’s annoying.  For each coming new day I feel like I got all the patience to go out there fishing a few people and help them level up mentally. To my surprise until now am still working on neutral levels.  Nevertheless, I feel the need to believe and trust in myself without letting your opinion count. In my list of things to do; protecting and understanding family, helping them attain their goals is best for now. There are days when I feel stronger and exceptional, when I have bad and good times and in all I survive. The thought of describing yourself should not weigh you down. Just to mention, when I was teenager self-descriptions that I gave to boys were all different, thus each day I got a better description than yesterday and I meet people who challenge me to be a better me today. Am not a constant thus I don’t have a specific description. I change, I am changeable, I am the driving force of change and we change.

 

 

UNFORGOTTEN PAIN.

The sun sets and morning dawns for a new a day has behold. I want to feel the same for myself. For others in my position and similar experience. Hope that if i would deal with myself first. I would enlighten them on how to stand on their broken feet. The pain is so real. It gives me the thought of being performed surgery on without being induced with anesthesia. I don’t know how to face this in certainty. The uncertain part of voices of; he is still your blood, he wants the best for you, he carries your blessings and so many others that i have blocked myself from, are simply super ridiculous to me.

It’s part of a mistake. However we got all access to correct them. A correction he took for granted and lured me into a greater mental state. If you ask me for sure right now i got nothing exciting to ask about him or the thought of what he was like or he is. My chances i have exploited them. In-fact i tried being a daughter until he proved me to be a stranger to blood. He wouldn’t understand what i yearned for, what i asked for, what i wanted to experience. All he wanted was to be in a tag play of who between them would have me as a child. Yet the bigger hidden picture was that he lost me long ago.

I am outgrowing that stage of dire provision yet i feel like my basic needs have not been met in this tag. I am learning to stand on my feet knowing i have myself to deal with. Being a dad’s girl in the beginning is one thing i always feel the urge to reverse and completely change it. It’s a series of happiness and unending pain of denial. Denial of thoughts and reality of truth. If God would give me a chance of creating my own father  rather than himself. I would ask direct questions. How did you expect me to deal with rejection? How did you expect me to fall in love with someone of similar gender, yet you denied me love? How do expect me to deal with heartbreak yet you have broken my heart the entire of my childhood? How do you expect me to raise my son and daughter? All this of which i would want direct answers without any emotional attachments to blind my consent to them answers.

If i were a judge i would want to judge you mercilessly. Make you feel the pain of being unjustly treated without any hearing. Your story would be of how you were convicted of what you knew nothing about. The interesting part would be that you just happened to be part of the watch bay.The unfairness of being simply a product.

For the help i called you for and declined. You made look like an urchin hopelessly waiting for a miracle. One day i will slap it back to you so that you embrace it. I will watch you because i will be already resistance to such spites you made me grow in. I will pray to God the father, to probably give you strength to face that phase. For He is the only strength that made me and mum step one step each day of unknown circumstances of the rising sun. This will be pretense of trying to save and be merciful to you like you being the best ‘dad.’ Should i call it equity, equal or similarity?

To those we share this principle. I don’t ask you to forgive. I personally haven’t. I ask you to walk through the journey trying to drop every molecule of that bitterness until we get to that place for healing. Let your mother’s strength and acceptance be your wall. Let your father’s denial and rejection be your breakthrough for greater purposes. For those who their fathers have been their sun of hope and strength; let that light shine through you and divert those rays to those who fell a miss of fatherly love. Lets not miss the key to be greater parents because of the line of unending dream we found ourselves in.

SAVE IT.

If i fall out, darkness falls in

Don’t die of grief, though it feels

As if you can, though you can

You will get through it

Darkness doesn’t make the city darker

Your heart will not break it will pump blood

Your chest will pain as if breaking

Sympathy from within will steal from you

Empathy will cripple you on your feet

Pain is a guarantor for period

Pay the loan let it free

Your grief eventually dims

If this day holds in my absence

Be wise, wake up, reminisce, cling there

Smile you not a traitor you human

You will need to continue with the journey

I dare you to feel happy in this world

I dare you to cry tears of joy not pain

Don’t miss me i want you to fill that space

My space which was only for me

I don’t wish you death but life in abundance

Give up your grief, start over once more

More when giving up grief

Grief another kind of death

But its just another

Rub it off, save yourself.

SILENT ICON.

I met her not long ago. She was talkative but her heart was silent. Friends we have become and share a bond with our hearts. We still learning one another for our soul to inter-win. We want to voice out words with emotions that won’t confuse us. Read the words with the right emotions to clarify our confusion. Now our hearts hang on the wall as we meditate. We sit silently waiting for the echo of our audience response. #orbitawaken.